There’s the usual trap that couples get stuck in, the symmetrical, escalating
argument of whose character is worse, who suffers more, who works harder,
whose family of origin is worse, etc. The essence of the arguments is around
proving to the other that one’s position is ‘’right’’, with the inevitable implication
that the other is ‘’wrong’’. Each has been trying to convince the other that the
other is ‘’more wrong’’, a bigger jerk, or whatever worse than ones self. The
argument is unsolvable, so the talking goes in circles until either or both give up
and stop talking.
We now put the conversation in terms of “feeling” and describing emotional
needs. Since a feeling is inarguable, [nobody can tell you how to feel] the
conversation is taken out of the arena of ‘’right/wrong’’, and is about what is
subjectively true for each partner.
The alternative to the usual argument is to talk primarily about one’s feeling at
the moment. It’s amazing how unskilled partners are at simple identification of
any current feeling, putting the feeling into words, and staying with that
statement only. Each has to be convinced that being loved is preferable to
“being right”.
The other part is that each is taught how to listen, and to listen to feeling
content only, and to acknowledge/reflect this content back to the speaker. In
the 70’s, it was called active listening. Again, it’s amazing how unskilled so many
partners are. The purpose of this exercise is to generate the odd new feeling of
‘’being listened to’’ by the other. Each usually wants to hijack the discussion in
service of being right, so the moderator needs to return the subject back to the
feeling. There’s no ‘’winning’’, any argument of how you feel, just saying what is
one’s truth is at the moment.
This discussion is a new skill, and it doesn’t necessarily solve the ‘’problem’’, but
can move the rut, and put the couple on the path to solve, adjust to, or grieve
their own problems. Most people have the necessary intelligence. With the
experience of feeling “listened to”, the tension and defensiveness diminishes,
and reason may prevail.
I do not attempt to influence any couple to split up or stay together. My purpose
is to assist them in identifying their feelings [rather than opinions], to improve
their own communication weaknesses, and then to talk through their own
concerns so they can make their own decisions.
See the Family Tree-Genogram Page
argument of whose character is worse, who suffers more, who works harder,
whose family of origin is worse, etc. The essence of the arguments is around
proving to the other that one’s position is ‘’right’’, with the inevitable implication
that the other is ‘’wrong’’. Each has been trying to convince the other that the
other is ‘’more wrong’’, a bigger jerk, or whatever worse than ones self. The
argument is unsolvable, so the talking goes in circles until either or both give up
and stop talking.
We now put the conversation in terms of “feeling” and describing emotional
needs. Since a feeling is inarguable, [nobody can tell you how to feel] the
conversation is taken out of the arena of ‘’right/wrong’’, and is about what is
subjectively true for each partner.
The alternative to the usual argument is to talk primarily about one’s feeling at
the moment. It’s amazing how unskilled partners are at simple identification of
any current feeling, putting the feeling into words, and staying with that
statement only. Each has to be convinced that being loved is preferable to
“being right”.
The other part is that each is taught how to listen, and to listen to feeling
content only, and to acknowledge/reflect this content back to the speaker. In
the 70’s, it was called active listening. Again, it’s amazing how unskilled so many
partners are. The purpose of this exercise is to generate the odd new feeling of
‘’being listened to’’ by the other. Each usually wants to hijack the discussion in
service of being right, so the moderator needs to return the subject back to the
feeling. There’s no ‘’winning’’, any argument of how you feel, just saying what is
one’s truth is at the moment.
This discussion is a new skill, and it doesn’t necessarily solve the ‘’problem’’, but
can move the rut, and put the couple on the path to solve, adjust to, or grieve
their own problems. Most people have the necessary intelligence. With the
experience of feeling “listened to”, the tension and defensiveness diminishes,
and reason may prevail.
I do not attempt to influence any couple to split up or stay together. My purpose
is to assist them in identifying their feelings [rather than opinions], to improve
their own communication weaknesses, and then to talk through their own
concerns so they can make their own decisions.
See the Family Tree-Genogram Page
Couples
Communication
Counseling
Communication
Counseling
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| "..................These triggers could be found in the quotidian tasks of the day, such as shopping, where a simple decision over what to make for dinner took on cosmic weight. The basic pattern underpinning all these day-to-day interactions is as follows: Jane fears (but unconsciously seeks) connection. connection. Peter establishes the connection. Jane begins to trust the connection, but feels she has to be in control of the connection in order to continue to trust. She begins to make more an more impossible-to-meet demands to test the connection. Peter resists the control she is exerting by failing to meet simple promises. This gives him a reason to not only try to re-exert control, but to prove he is right to be angry with himself for having failed to keep his obligation. This gives Jane a reason not to trust him and an excuse to break the connection. This gives Peter a reason to vent his anger. This proves to Jane that connection is dangerous. This proves to Peter that his anger is unacceptable and so he is unacceptable. They are both sent back to their opposite corners. Jane fears (but unconsciously seeks) connection. Peter seeks (but unconsciously fears) connection until the next dance begins." Isa Gucciardi, PH.D. Opening the Doors to the Self: Relationships and Regression Therapy Journal of Regression Therapy, Volume XIII (1), 1999 |
Is there a difficult feeling you get around your spouse? Can you identify it?
How old is it? How long has it been with you? Go to before you met. Previous
relationships. Is the feeling still present? If so, then how could your spouse
have caused it? If the feeling predated meeting your spouse, then how could
your spouse cure it?
The best your spouse could do is distract you from that old feeling that you
have been running from for so long. In time, your distraction fantasy dissolves
and stops working. Is that the spouses' job, to distract you from the past, to
save you from preexisting pain? No present spouse can cure your past, or fill in
the void, or pay for the mistakes of previous people.....
How do you react when you believe that difficult feeling and the thoughts
associated with it? Who would you be in this relationship if you rejected that
feeling and those thoughts as untrue in the present?
What if you rejected that thought, "If you loved me, you'd do what I want...."
From Byron Katie, I Need Your Love, Is That True?"
How old is it? How long has it been with you? Go to before you met. Previous
relationships. Is the feeling still present? If so, then how could your spouse
have caused it? If the feeling predated meeting your spouse, then how could
your spouse cure it?
The best your spouse could do is distract you from that old feeling that you
have been running from for so long. In time, your distraction fantasy dissolves
and stops working. Is that the spouses' job, to distract you from the past, to
save you from preexisting pain? No present spouse can cure your past, or fill in
the void, or pay for the mistakes of previous people.....
How do you react when you believe that difficult feeling and the thoughts
associated with it? Who would you be in this relationship if you rejected that
feeling and those thoughts as untrue in the present?
What if you rejected that thought, "If you loved me, you'd do what I want...."
From Byron Katie, I Need Your Love, Is That True?"
".....Excluding your
partner's perspective and
insisting on your own, no
matter how you put it,
implies that being right is
more important to you than
how your partner feels and
more important than the
well being of your
relationship......As long as
they each failed at
compassion for the other's
subtle vulnerabilities, and
remained stuck in their own
perspectives, all the ''right
things'' they'd learned to
say in therapy had the
wrong effect."
Patricia Love, EdD., and
Stephen Stosny, PhD., How
to Improve Your Marriage
Without Talking About It
partner's perspective and
insisting on your own, no
matter how you put it,
implies that being right is
more important to you than
how your partner feels and
more important than the
well being of your
relationship......As long as
they each failed at
compassion for the other's
subtle vulnerabilities, and
remained stuck in their own
perspectives, all the ''right
things'' they'd learned to
say in therapy had the
wrong effect."
Patricia Love, EdD., and
Stephen Stosny, PhD., How
to Improve Your Marriage
Without Talking About It
"I remember so vividly a day in early spring when my whole reality gave out on me. Although it was before I had heard of any Buddhist teachings, it
was what some would call a genuine spiritual experience. It happened when my husband told me he was having an affair. We lived in northern New
Mexico. I was standing in front of our adobe house drinking a cup of tea. I heard the car drive up and the door bang shut. Then, he walked around
the corner, and without warning he told me he was having an affair and wanted a divorce.
I remember the sky and how huge it was. I remember the sound of the river and the steam rising up from my tea. There was no time, no
thought, there was nothing--just the light and a profound, limitless stillness............... Then, I regrouped and picked up a stone and threw it at
him."
Pema Chodron, When Things Fall Apart
was what some would call a genuine spiritual experience. It happened when my husband told me he was having an affair. We lived in northern New
Mexico. I was standing in front of our adobe house drinking a cup of tea. I heard the car drive up and the door bang shut. Then, he walked around
the corner, and without warning he told me he was having an affair and wanted a divorce.
I remember the sky and how huge it was. I remember the sound of the river and the steam rising up from my tea. There was no time, no
thought, there was nothing--just the light and a profound, limitless stillness............... Then, I regrouped and picked up a stone and threw it at
him."
Pema Chodron, When Things Fall Apart
Marital Communication Exercises
1. Colors Game; The speaker says colors [letters, numbers] that the listener says as the speaker is finishing, reflecting unusual attention, eye
contact, and focusing. Then, switch to feeling words. From AMP Training video.
2. Frame Game; Observer identifies ‘’snapshots’’ of noticing the other and reports what he sees at each moment in time. From AMP Training
video.
3. Three Statements; My first impression of you was…., When I felt you the most was……, and What I now really understand about you is….
From the AMP Training video.
4. Recognizing the positive intent from the other’s [unskillful] behavior, and acknowledging the feeling/intention.
5. Identify which of the 5 love languages your partner desires most; Affirmation words, Quality time, Receiving gifts, Acts of service, and/or
Physical touch. From Robinson.
6. Exercises of Mirroring the other’s presence.
7. Electric Sex; sit facing partner, hold hands, eye contact, and he follows her breathing. Get in sync and go for 5 minutes.
8. Move into blaming mode and identify the accompanying feeling of loneliness. Use as a doorway into exposing and grieving the loneliness.
How old? Partner didn’t cause and can’t fill.
9. And What Else? Exercise; moves through list of complaints at the listener simply saying ‘’and what else?” Complaining partner will sound
from attacking to softening, from angry to wider feeling, from rigid to flexible. [Robinson]
10. “You’ve Got It” game. Partner feeds back what the speaker says until the speaker is accurate. [Robinson]
1. Colors Game; The speaker says colors [letters, numbers] that the listener says as the speaker is finishing, reflecting unusual attention, eye
contact, and focusing. Then, switch to feeling words. From AMP Training video.
2. Frame Game; Observer identifies ‘’snapshots’’ of noticing the other and reports what he sees at each moment in time. From AMP Training
video.
3. Three Statements; My first impression of you was…., When I felt you the most was……, and What I now really understand about you is….
From the AMP Training video.
4. Recognizing the positive intent from the other’s [unskillful] behavior, and acknowledging the feeling/intention.
5. Identify which of the 5 love languages your partner desires most; Affirmation words, Quality time, Receiving gifts, Acts of service, and/or
Physical touch. From Robinson.
6. Exercises of Mirroring the other’s presence.
7. Electric Sex; sit facing partner, hold hands, eye contact, and he follows her breathing. Get in sync and go for 5 minutes.
8. Move into blaming mode and identify the accompanying feeling of loneliness. Use as a doorway into exposing and grieving the loneliness.
How old? Partner didn’t cause and can’t fill.
9. And What Else? Exercise; moves through list of complaints at the listener simply saying ‘’and what else?” Complaining partner will sound
from attacking to softening, from angry to wider feeling, from rigid to flexible. [Robinson]
10. “You’ve Got It” game. Partner feeds back what the speaker says until the speaker is accurate. [Robinson]
Robinson, Jonathan, Communication Exercises for Couples, Conari Press, 1997