Not Good Enough
Page,
False core belief, false self compensation
".....The trauma of
infancy and
childhood that is the
most common
cause of an adult's
feeling of
"unworthiness", or
of not being
lovable, is the
trauma of
neglect.  
This passive
trauma is three
times more likely
than the active
trauma of physical
abuse.  
James A. Schaller,
MD,
Becoming the
Husband Your
Wife Thought She
Married
See my page "On
Neglect"
1.  As an Adult, imagine or recall any of possibly many
times when you failed to achieve a goal, keep a
relationship, or accomplish a dream. Your performance,
effort, ambition, or whatever just wasn't good enough.  
Recall being divorced by a spouse or abandoned by a
partner, and assuming that there was something about
you that wasn't simply "good enough".  There's certainly
disappointment, grieving and recovery.  After all, as an
adult, you have resources such as other friends, other
opportunities, usually some financial resources, other
things to do, new people to meet, another job search,
and maybe a career change.  Though often very
stressful, these changes are all part of the fabric of life,
often unavoidable, and sometimes we look back of the
change as a blessing in disguise.  
2.  Now, imagine or recall similar "failures", losses,
insults, assaults but as a child.  Perhaps the child
experiences loss or abandonment or neglect or abuse
from a parent.  Perhaps there's trouble in school or in
the neighborhood or with friends or family.  Children
take everything
personally.  Children don't have the
adult experience, wisdom, income, transportation,
distractions, friends, and other resources to help them
distract or cope.  When rejected that young, before the
''age of reason'', a child will self-centeredly misinterpret
the abandonment as personally deserved as described
by Stephen Wolinsky in the box to the left.
3.   Imagine again being an adult facing the same
failures as above, but with the added, ungrieved
childhood feelings from neglect and rejection.  Today's
failure, loss, or rejection, reactivates the childhood
feelings to a much more painful degree, brings up the
"false core"  thoughts, and promotes the "false self"
overreactions of attack, withdrawal, and emotional
problems that make a difficult situation seem impossible
and overwhelming.  All of the old insecurities, originally
from other people's old mistakes, arise again to intensify
and distort the current problem.  
4.  So today's reaction to disappointment includes the
emotional undertones of every similar disappointment
from the past.  Focus on the current thoughts and
feelings, and then ask how old those feelings are.  
THE MAJOR FALSE CORE, FALSE SELFS

False core  belief                         False self compensation
1. Something wrong with me........act "as if" perfect, ok, hip
2. I am worthless.............................act "as if" indispensable
3. I cannot do....................................overachiever, perfectionist
4. I am inadequate..........................act "as if" super capable
5. I don't exist...................................."notice me'', see me, find me
6. I am alone....................................act "as if" connected, popular
7. I am incomplete..........................act "as if" together, whole
8. I am powerles..............................prove power, dominant, roar
9. I am unlovable.............................act "as if" lovable, charming
10. I am stupid.................................act "as if" smart, brainy

adapted from Stephen Wolinsky's
Quantum Psychology