Couples Communication Counseling
experience and exercises
What is your own contribution to the problem?
Is there a difficult feeling you get around your spouse? Can you identify it? How old is it? How long has it been with you? Go to before you met. Previous relationships. Is the feeling still present?
If so, then how could your spouse have caused it? If the feeling predated meeting your spouse, then how could your spouse cure it? The best your spouse could do is distract you from that old feeling that you have been running from for so long. In time, your distraction fantasy dissolves and stops working. Is that the spouses' job, to distract you from the past, to save you from preexisting pain? No present spouse can cure your past, or fill in the void, or pay for the mistakes of previous people..
How do you react when you believe that difficult feeling and the thoughts associated with it? Who would you be in this relationship if you rejected that feeling and those thoughts as untrue in the present?
What if you rejected that thought,
“If you loved me, you'd do what I want...”
— From Byron Katie, I Need Your Love, Is That True?
Some ideas why relationship therapy has a low success rate.
Supply and demand of emotional ‘’supplies’’ between partners is often limited. Most people cannot fulfill themselves much less have any emotional supply left over to share. “Emotional supply’’ consists of patience, generosity, availability, authenticity, listening, nonjudgmental, compliments, appreciation, gratitude, desire, initiating, eye contact, attentiveness. Most people operate out of a sense of lacking and looking for the partner to fill the void. They talk more than they listen, maybe not listen at all. They need more than they give and operate at a deficit. They live a life of lacking and cannot reciprocate.
In our culture, the source of emotional happiness is marketed as the supply outside the self, for sale in the cultural marketplace. We live in a consumerism society where advertising aims at convincing the potential buyer that this purchase will bring happiness. Perhaps so, perhaps not. It’s the sale that matters, competing for market share. Romance, sex appeal, and happy smiles sell whatever is associated with them. And fear is also a best-seller. The fear of loneliness, unlovability, unworthiness, unattractiveness are powerful motivators. It’s the fear of lacking, and the supply is here for sale. Genuinely happy people don’t need to buy much. They’re already satisfied. Unhappy people would buy anything that promises to make them less miserable, to fill the void. Our consumer economy depends on the quantities of unhappy people to buy and be disappointed and continue the cycle.
The mental health industry and self-help industry market a model of perfection that is unattainable and unsustainable, as do movies, books, popular music, advertising. There’s the promise of ‘’getting better’’. Sadly, not everyone gets better.
There are limits on reciprocity. Partners with sustained anxiety, depression, severe physical pain and illness, chronic fatigue, disorders of character and addictions will usually have trouble reciprocating emotional supply with partners. They often need sustained supply but have severe limits on what they can give back. Their partners must understand this with compassion. There’s another process that’s not about “getting”, it the process of acceptance.
Acceptance of our partners, [or our parents, siblings, children], is about our resolving their mixed good qualities with their shortcomings. It’s about the balance of appreciation that makes the most of what the partner has to offer and filling in the gaps of what they cannot offer, and then managing their negative qualities that will likely never “get better”. There’s grieving involved because the hoped-for emotional supplies will be so limited.
Whether we stay committed or not, there’s the existential lesson that our true fulfillment does not lie with others but comes from within ourselves. People are fallible. They change their minds, or lose their minds, get sick and die. It’s from within ourselves that lies the true source of emotional supply that we give to ourselves first, and hopefully, on some or most days, we can feel our own life-satisfaction. And then have a surplus to share. We will need supplies from others, and hopefully have enough to reciprocate later. We would replenish the emotional supply that we have borrowed to keep the balance steady, to keep our credit good.
The couple who can maintain a balance of emotional supply between them, who can reciprocate, and where each will replenish the emotional supply for the other will have the best chance of survival.
Men; read David Deida's the Way of the Superior Man
Also read; David shade's Secrets of Female Sexuality
Women; read, Rachael Groover's Powerful and Feminine
“...was before I had heard of any Buddhist teachings, it was what some would call a genuine spiritual experience. It happened when my husband told me he was having an affair. We lived in northern drive up and the door bang shut. Then, he walked around the corner, and without warning he drive up and the door bang shut. Then, he walked around the corner, and without warning he told me he was having an affair and wanted a divorce. told me he was having an affair and wanted a divorce. I remember the sky and how huge it was. I remember the sound of the river and the steam rising up from my tea. There was no time, no thought, there was nothing--just the light and a profound, limitless stillness... Then, I regrouped and picked up a stone and threw it at him.”
— Pema Chodron, When Things Fall Apart
What quality/maturity partner would be attracted to you now? You will keep the partner that you are prepared enough to handle. Confidence in your attractiveness and worthiness will eliminate the necessity of chasing and begging, buying, pursuing and trying to impress.
Most spouses are doing the best they can to be spouses with what they believe to be true, fair, and the energy and health they have. Rarely would someone consciously and deliberately sabotage their lot in life.
Our culture markets relationships and marriage like it markets cars and vacations. Buyer beware. A dating coach warns, ‘’Look where the money goes”….. If our culture stopped believing in romance, sections of our consumerism economy would collapse. Notice and question how much about love, romance and marriage is cultural sales hype, and how much is valid through thousands of years and across cultures.
There is a 5% chance that you are paired up with a narcissist or a sociopath. One in 20 of our population is estimated to have no conscience or capability for empathy. The only thing that matters to a sociopath is winning, that’s all. See for yourself…. [The Sociopath Nest Door, by Martha Stout, PhD]. If you’re with a true sociopath or narcissist, the rules are all different though they might seem conventional.
Happy people don’t need to spend much money. Miserable people are often spending in the fruitless effort to make themselves less unhappy. Therefore, our economy needs legions of disillusioned unhappy people who spend to keep up the sales numbers and increase market share.
Match your relationship expectations to what the evidence verifies, and proceed from there. Be suspect of what you believed before, what ‘’should be’’, what you had hoped for, what ‘’they’’ told you, un-kept promises, all cultural marketing [as above], and what you formerly believed you’re entitled to.
Less attention on ‘’getting’’ from your partner, and more attention of ‘’attracting’’ your partner.
Your fulfillment as a human being is not your parents’ job [any more], not your children’s job, and certainly not your partner’s job. If the vast majority of partners cannot secure their own fulfillment, how could they ever be responsible for yours? Your satisfaction in life is really up to you, the choices you make and the luck you have.
There’s something to be said about the ‘’attraction’’ idea, that you attract circumstances by your attitude, and that ‘’luck favors the prepared’’. So be prepared. Nonetheless, randomness has a strong hand in life. “It’ s all luck in the end, the good luck, the bad luck you have. That’s all.” …..the father’s last advice to his son before he dies, from, Any Human Heart, by PBS, brilliant miniseries about the life of writer Logan Mountstuart.
View the last scene [airport] in Casablanca to notice how cultural standards of heroism have deteriorated into demands of entitlement.
In life, THE ONES WHOM YOU GIVE TO MIGHT NOT NECESSARILY BE THE ONES WHO GIVE BACK TO YOU…
There’s the idea of ‘’making do’’ I life, with what life has given you, making the best of life’s offerings.
Traditionally, the genders used to strive towards complementarity, fitting together. Now they strive towards competition, getting ahead of each other, being better than the other. What that does do for attraction and emotional safety?
Education is the process of disillusionment, that includes relationships.
57% alleged divorce rate, of the remaining 43%, how many would say, “Too good to leave, not good enough to stay.”
We are all limited, in life and by death. There’s no shame in being limited.
“...perspective and insisting on your own, no matter how you put it, implies that being right is more important to you than how your partner feels and more important than the well being of your relationship......As long as your relationship......As long as they each failed at compassion for the other's subtle vulnerabilities, and remained stuck in their own perspectives, all the ''right things'' they'd learned to say in therapy had the wrong effect.”
— Patricia Love, EdD., and Stephen Stosny, PhD.
How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It
There’s the usual trap that couples get stuck in, the symmetrical, escalating argument of whose character is worse, who suffers more, who works harder, whose family of origin is worse, etc. The essence of the arguments is around proving to the other that one’s position is ‘’right’’, with the inevitable implication that the other is ‘’ wrong’’. Each has been trying to convince the other that the other is ‘’more wrong’’, a bigger jerk, or whatever worse than ones self. The argument is unsolvable, so the talking goes in circles until either or both give up and stop talking. We now put the conversation in terms of “feeling” and describing emotional needs. Since a feeling is inarguable, [nobody can tell you how to feel] the conversation is taken out of the arena of ‘’ right/wrong’’, and is about what is subjectively true for each partner. The alternative to the usual argument is to talk primarily about one’s feeling at the moment. It’s amazing how unskilled partners are at simple identification of any current feeling, putting the feeling into words, and staying with that statement only. Each has to be convinced that being loved is preferable to “being right”. The other part is that each is taught how to listen, and to listen to feeling content only, and to acknowledge/reflect this content back to the speaker. In the 70’s, it was called active listening. Again, it’s amazing how unskilled so many partners are. The purpose of this exercise is to generate the odd new feeling of ‘’being listened to’’ by the other. Each usually wants to hijack the discussion in service of being right, so the moderator needs to return the subject back to the feeling. There’s no ‘’ winning’’, any argument of how you feel, just saying what is one’s truth is at the moment. This discussion is a new skill, and it doesn’t necessarily solve the ‘’problem’’, but can move the rut, and put the couple on the path to solve, adjust to, or grieve their own problems. Most people have the necessary intelligence. With the experience of feeling “listened to”, the tension and defensiveness diminishes, and reason may prevail. I do not attempt to influence any couple to split up or stay together. My purpose is to assist them in identifying their feelings [rather than opinions], to improve their own communication weaknesses, and then to talk through their own concerns so they can make their own decisions.
A man becomes more masculine when he faces his feelings because he stood and conquered the dragon within. The man- coward, boy-man runs from his feelings, remains weak, puerile, inauthentic, afraid. After he stops running, there’s nothing within to fear right now, no pretenses, nothing to hide. His acknowledged wound becomes his sorrow, open to grieving, and folded in to his wisdom and compassion, not like the boy’s hot-headed, arrogant judgment and reactivity. Action replaces motion.
When phony, a man is pussy whipped, not by his women, but by his shame. Women have generally been gifted with a tendency towards greater perception and expressiveness of feeling, and when she encouraged to be fully expressive, she’s radiant, fully feminine, fully present. When a man is fully feeling, his penetrating desire, passion and vulnerability are the masculine magnet's north pole to attract the woman's feminine south pole and capture her own femininity and passion.
Relationship Communication Exercises
Colors Game; The speaker says colors [letters, numbers] that the listener says as the speaker is finishing, reflecting unusual attention, eye contact, and focusing. Then, switch to feeling words. From AMP Training video.
Do you get back more, the same, or less than you give to your partner/relationship?
Frame Game; Observer identifies ‘’snapshots’’ of noticing the other and reports what he sees at each moment in time. From AMP Training video.
“I’m really turned on by you”, Lance’s AMP lesson.
Three Statements; My first impression of you was…, When I felt you the most was…, and What I now really understand about you is....From the AMP Training video.
Recognizing the positive intent from the other’s [unskillful] behavior, and acknowledging the feeling/intention.
Identify which of the 5 love languages your partner desires most; Affirmation words, Quality time, Receiving gifts, Acts of service, and/or Physical touch. From Robinson.
Exercises of Mirroring the other’s presence.
Electric Sex; sit facing partner, hold hands, eye contact, and he follows her breathing. Get in sync and go for 5 minutes.
Move into blaming mode and identify the accompanying feeling of loneliness. Use as a doorway into exposing and grieving the loneliness. How old? Partner didn’t cause and can’t fill.
And What Else? Exercise; moves through list of complaints at the listener simply saying ‘’and what else?” Complaining partner will sound from attacking to softening, from angry to wider feeling, from rigid to flexible. [Robinson]
“You’ve Got It” game. Partner feeds back what the speaker says until the speaker is accurate. [Robinson]
Focus on what you want and own it, rather than complain about what you don’t want.
When she speaks, follow Garrison’s ideas; where it lands in the body, feel the sensations w/o resisting, make eye contact, turn sensations into words.
“...These triggers could be found in the quotidian tasks of the day, such as shopping, where a simple decision over what to make for dinner took on cosmic weight. The basic pattern underpinning all these day-to-day interactions is as follows: Jane fears (but unconsciously seeks) connection. connection. Peter establishes the connection. Jane begins to trust the connection, but feels she has to be in control of the connection in order to continue to trust. She begins to make more an more impossible-to-meet demands to test the connection. Peter resists the control she is exerting by failing to meet simple promises. This gives him a reason to not only try to re-exert control, but to prove he is right to be angry with himself for having failed to keep his obligation. This gives Jane a reason not to trust him and an excuse to break the connection. This gives Peter a reason to vent his anger. This proves to Jane that connection is dangerous. This proves to Peter that his anger is unacceptable and so he is unacceptable. They are both sent back to their opposite corners. Jane fears (but unconsciously seeks) connection. Peter seeks (but unconsciously fears) connection until the next dance begins.”
— Isa Gucciardi, PH.D.
Opening the Doors to the Self: Relationships and Regression Therapy
Journal of Regression Therapy, Volume XIII (1), 1999